You have to say, “Good morning!” Not having a good day? Nobody cares! After all, you may have countless good qualities, but without showing good manners, you’re going nowhere! The moment you utter those magic words, people will think of you as a friendly and pleasant person. But woe to the one who fails to say them! They’re instantly looked upon with disdain, and I’m almost certain that if it were legal, society would send such people to jail.

Shaking hands isn’t far behind either. Apparently, touching people’s hands is of the utmost importance in modern society. If you don’t shake someone’s hand, they take it as a personal insult, because how could they possibly know that not everything revolves around them? I can assume that all criminals share one common trait, and that is that they don’t shake hands. Otherwise, people’s attitude toward this ritual would be puzzling. Touching hands is the only acceptable way to get to know someone, especially among “intellectuals.”

But is a handshake enough? Wouldn’t it be better to run our fingers through each other’s hair or kiss each other’s faces to get to know each other better? I’m sure you’ll agree that this is much more personal.

Behavior in public places. I think in this case it’s best to just turn into a tree. Etiquette in public places doesn’t allow for almost any actions anyway, so you don’t have much of a choice.

Laughter is a crime of the most serious kind. Loud laughter can provoke withering glares from those around you, and it’s best to make a quick exit before they tell you how rude you are or jump on you to beat you up. It’s your fault! Do you really expect people to be happy that someone is laughing? To take joy in someone else’s happiness? Ha! Why would they do that?! After all, such things aren’t acceptable.

Another shocking act is lying down or putting your feet up in a public place. Shocking! People have feet! I have no idea how humanity manages to cope with this immoral phenomenon. If you haven’t witnessed it yourself, all you have to do is lie down on a bench in the nearest park to see, reflected in the eyes of those around you, the words “I chase children,” which are obviously written on your forehead. And don’t forget not to laugh. After all, your parents gave everything for you. Show some respect!