Everyone seeks romantic relationships in some form and wants to be happy in them. But too often we put the different subtypes under a common denominator and talk as if the approach to finding a partner for a few weeks or for a lifetime is the same. Or we claim that we want a serious relationship, but our behavior screams that we are only looking for a fling.

To avoid potential disappointment, we need to be able to admit to ourselves what we really want in a romantic partnership at the current stage of our lives. And we need to be clear that in order to get exactly that, we need to put the right priorities first.

Fling

This is the only option where physical appearance is the top priority. In all other cases, it is simply a bonus. How often do we hear people say they are looking for a serious relationship, but the only thing they focus on is whether their potential partner has six-pack abs or a large enough bosom?

When we were children and were asked how we imagined the person we would marry, we said we wanted them to have blonde hair and green eyes or dark hair and dark eyes. But as adults, the vast majority of people continue to think the same way.

When we are looking for a partner just for sex, we can focus on their physical qualities as much as we want. After all, that is the real goal—strong attraction and satisfaction from physical contact. (Whether it is worth looking for such partners is a topic we will not address here.)

In addition to appearance, we must also pay attention to chemistry. We may meet someone who fits our beauty ideal, but we don’t feel attracted to them. The opposite is also possible—someone may not be what we imagined, but every cell in our body ignites when we see them. The chemistry of attraction is one of those inexplicable and magical things that are wonderful and can bring a lot of positive emotions.

Of course, appearance and chemistry do not take out of the equation the factor of whether the potential partner is a normal human being. No one wants to enter even a short-term relationship with a mentally unstable or potentially aggressive person. This is especially important for women, as they are usually the more vulnerable ones in the situation. No matter how attractive a person may seem to us, if we know that they beat up their ex-girlfriend, it is clear that we have no business with them, even for a short time.

Last but not least, we need to check whether we are compatible in terms of what we find sexually fulfilling. Some people prefer security and routine, while others need experimentation and variety. Both are perfectly valid preferences, but if sex is the only thing that connects two people, it is obviously necessary for them to be compatible in this regard.

Relationship

When you want a relationship, personality is the most important thing in the other person. You need to be sure that you will feel good together, have fun, and be able to rely on each other.

In a relationship, you spend a lot of time with the other person, and you need to genuinely like them and truly feel happy in their company. If these conditions are not met, your time together will be a burden instead of a joy.

In relationships, we pay attention to qualities. I want my partner to be smart. Or funny. Or adventurous. Or stable and predictable. These expectations come to the forefront in relationships. There is no point in trying to make things work with a boring person if you want excitement and adventure.

In relationships, we also pay attention to behavior. My partner makes romantic gestures towards me. They take care of me when I am sick. They know how to cheer me up when I am sad. They help me with my tasks when there are too many. They listen to me and give me advice. They support me in my decisions.

Deep relationships are built on trust. On the one hand, trust that the other person is really who they say they are and remains consistent in their qualities and behavior. Not that they are nice and romantic today and aggressive or controlling tomorrow. On the other hand, trust that you can be yourself in front of them and that it is safe. That you don’t have to pretend to be someone you are not or always be perfect.

Last but not least, a sense of humor sustains relationships. The ability to laugh together automatically brings you closer. Every relationship has difficult periods, but shared moments of laughter and joy give us the strength to get through them.

Marriage

Marriage, for better or worse, is primarily a transaction. In it, each party commits to certain things, and it also settles financial matters legally. If society believed that love, trust, and loyalty were sufficient, there would be no need for marriages.

When you search for a marriage partner, it is as if you are searching for a lifelong relationship, but in a more formal way. Also, marriage almost always involves raising children. That is why a spouse is required not only to bring us happiness and pleasant moments, but also to be financially stable and a good parent.

A man who is fun and unpredictable may be great for a relationship in the eyes of many women, but he may not have the maturity and responsibility necessary for a partner in raising children. A woman who is desirable and exciting may quickly capture men’s hearts, but many of them may not see her as down-to-earth and reliable enough to commit to for life.

Marriage includes the idea of growing old together. It is expected to last 30, 40, 50 years. Beauty will fade, some bad traits will become more accentuated, there will be illnesses and crises. If the idea of facing this with a certain person does not scare us, then they are the right person for us to marry.

The emergence of divorce is something that was certainly intended to give freedom. But nowadays, people have widely accepted divorce as permission to behave irresponsibly. Marriage must retain the weight of being for life. So you enter into it with the understanding that it is the most important and binding decision you will ever make. Divorce should be allowed, but it should be the exception, and marriages that last a year or two simply reveal the weakness of people who don’t know what they want.

Love

When you are seeking love, you must be prepared for the fact that it does not come along very often, and you must be thoughtful enough not to get distracted by other things along the way.

Seeking love requires strength first and foremost. It is easy to find someone to escape loneliness with for a few hours or a few months. But it comes back stronger than before because you feel alone even when you are with another person. Being ready to accept only the truth of your heart is difficult.

Love is not interested in the physical dimensions of reality. There, all requirements for age, origin, qualities, or hair color simply disappear against the backdrop of the titanic storm that rages in the soul of the person who loves. The decision to search for love is so ambitious and grandiose that you have to accept that you have no right to any petty demands.

To have love, you need to be ready to give and receive. Some people desperately seek it as a means of validation, but they cannot give it to themselves or others. There are also those who are self-sacrificing and devoted, but forget about receiving, and no one wants to give something to a person who constantly says they don’t need it.

Love is the greatest gift of the universe. And so it is logical that you have to prove yourself before you receive it. Of course, this does not mean that some people do not deserve love. But it does mean that in order to see it, they will have to make an effort to be the best version of themselves.

Love comes to the person who realizes that they themselves are love. The individual soul is one with universal love, but it also generates it itself. The belief that love goes to love is the most powerful magnet to attract it to us.