What is God? We are about to clarify the three basic theories about his nature exactly in the order in which you would like to hear them.

God is a penis! This is the socio-scientific theory which has very strong arguments in its defense. Our lives are centered around penises – starting with family and „love“ and finishing with business and the „prosperity of the nation“. Since a very early age, children are separated into two groups and their entire education and socializing depends on it. As those who own them, men didn’t waste time in declaring that they belong to the superior sex. This is understandable because the penis truly is an impressive creation and there are many reasons why the world is centered around it. And that’s why men are forced to spend their entire life proving to the world that they are worthy of their own penis – after all the individual can only try to rise to such levels.

We often hear people say that men think with their penis, but actually, every one of them IS his penis. Women are a perfect opportunity to use it and money are just a way to demonstrate its power. We have all heard the phrases „My wife is wonderful! I can’t think of a better reason to put my penis in action!“ or „It’s great to be rich! This way you can rub at others people noses the fact that you have a penis anytime you want! “. And let’s not forget the universal argument in life which helps in every situation – „And so what? I have a penis!“

On the other hand, women are spending their lives complaining that they don’t have the mentioned sexual organ. I will never understand why a lot of them believe that „sexual equality“ is a process which turns the female sex into male, but I am guessing it has to do something with the centrifugal forces of the Penis, which is the core of Life. The factors that determine a woman’s choice when she is looking for a man, are extremely interesting. I will give you the classical explanation, which every one of you has heard, although it was with different words:

– And why are you together?

– Well, I am much smarter and prettier than him. I am also very successful in my carrier and I am a respected person, while he is just an ordinary loser. He is like everyone else and I am special. But all that means nothing to me! He has a penis and we will be together forever!

Over ninety percent of the conversations in society are about penises. Men spend their daily routine bragging at one another about how they used their penises and women spend their days trying to simulate outrage from their owners when in fact they show affection. Here we have to mention that like most common beliefs, that one also has its traitors and its rebels. The traitors are the gays, of course, because they are obsessed with penises just as much as everyone else but not in the way that they should be.

But my personal favorites are the rebels – or to say it otherwise – lesbians. In a dark world, where every thought is a result of or a wish for a penis, the sunrise comes in lesbian orange.

Here a nice touch brings the science, which on the contrary of what it claims, doesn’t deny God at all, but just gives him the form of a penis. Scientifically speaking the leading desire in man is to reproduce and we all know how that is happening.

Let’s rethink God and accept the Supreme Penis! Well done, scientists! Well done, society!

In risk of losing my mind, I will try to present the church theory, which basically is: God is a loser! God is the creator of the world, but obviously, he is too pathetic to get out of the church’s frame. Every man must pray in church if he wants his prayers to be heard. And don’t forget to make the sign of the cross correctly and to kiss the icons, because otherwise the mighty God will laugh at you and your wishes will be rejected. Also, it’s good to know that we are all going to burn in hell. God naturally is a small minded bastard who has the need to punish us with eternal suffering even for the smallest declination from mediocrity, even if it’s just in our thoughts. What logic! When I speak of religion, I immediately feel the urge to let a mathematician explain God to me. By any chance he wants us to do particular things and he takes away entirely our right of individuality and freedom. Oh, how spiritual! If you regret your actions like a weak fool, you will be forgiven, but if you stay behind your words and actions, you won’t be.

GOD IS LOVE! This is the only truth. There are no penises and hell doesn’t exist. The Absolute is Love and all worlds come from it. This is a God that doesn’t want anything because he is everything. This is the God that gives limitless freedom. Love is beyond the world, beyond people and if it wasn’t God himself, it would have been beyond him too. It is so simple – all we have to do is love each other and be true to who we are. Actually, we don’t „have“ to do even this. God will never punish us for being bad. Everyone chooses alone his destiny. When we scream the word „moral“ it’s good to remind ourselves, that God is above this concept. When we speak of „right and wrong“ we have to remember that God doesn’t use such words. When we feel the Love, we are God. Do you really need any more explanations?