One of the clearest signs of well-developed emotional intelligence and genuine self-confidence is the ability to recognize when the other person is the one who is more important.

When someone close to us is going through a difficult time, we naturally respond with empathy at first. But very soon after that, most people put themselves at the center of the situation and play the victim, blaming the other person.

To some extent, this is normal. When a loved one is suffering, we want to be able to help them. And it’s very easy to feel hurt that they haven’t shared enough with us, or haven’t included us in the decision, and so on. But that is precisely the moment to realize that this is their problem, and they have every right to deal with it as they see fit—and that it has nothing to do with us.

The desire for our perspective to be acknowledged in such situations stems from a fragile and easily hurt ego. It comes from an inability to accept that, at that moment, you aren’t the one in the spotlight, but rather your role is simply to be there and support the other person on their journey, however they choose to walk it.

It’s perfectly natural that at some point you, too, will feel misunderstood or underappreciated. But you need to be aware of where that emotion fits into the bigger picture. And that doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid, but that you know what’s more urgent and important on that particular day.

If you trip and scrape your knee, that might be cause for a lot of complaining and draw a lot of sympathy on a normal day. But if, at the same time, a friend of yours has been in a serious accident, your scraped knee loses its significance because there are more serious and urgent problems. The same can happen with a positive event. If you get a promotion at work, that’s wonderful, but if it happens on your best friend’s wedding day, you’re unlikely to be the center of attention at that very moment.

In the same way, we need to be able to recognize emotionally when the focus shifts to another person’s experiences. This doesn’t mean we aren’t important, but that at that specific moment, they are. And stepping back isn’t a blow to our ego, nor a sign of low self-esteem.

Choosing the other person, even when you are hurting too, is proof that you are a strong person who can be relied upon. It is precisely this ability that is necessary for the long-term existence of any truly deep relationship.