Conflicts with others are a part of everyone’s daily life. Yet most of us lack the skills to handle them. Conflicts between people aren’t going to disappear. But we can improve our ability to resolve them.

When a conflict arises, we need to pay attention to three important aspects of the situation- what happened, what we think happened, and how we feel about what happened.

What happened?

This is the step where we must stick to objective reality. Not how it appears to us, not what it means, but only what actually happened. The facts alone are not enough to fully understand a situation, but they are a very important foundation on which to stand. For communication to take place, we must first agree that we share the same objective reality. If one person says, “You insulted my sister,” and the other replies, “You don’t have a sister,” we obviously have bigger issues to discuss than whether someone is offended, and the conversation cannot proceed beyond this point.

What do we think happened?

This includes the way we interpret other people’s actions and words. “Your words make me think that…” “Your actions show me that…” At this stage, it’s important to check whether our conclusions about the other person and the things they do and say are actually connected, or whether we’ve simply made a logical error. People are different. They’re impressed by different things and disappointed by different things. That is why interpreting someone’s behavior is valid only when we already know the person extremely well and are aware of their approach to life and their communication style.

Interpreting others’ behavior according to our own logic of right and wrong can often lead to misunderstanding and cause us to miss out on wonderful people due to a lack of clear communication.

How do we feel about what happened?

All human conflicts stem from feelings. The truth is that human nature isn’t particularly moved by facts or thoughts. We only have a problem when something makes us feel bad. That is precisely where the essence of every conflict lies, and that is where we must focus our greatest efforts to resolve it. Feelings are invisible and abstract. But at the same time, they are our essence and identity. And every problem we face is emotional.

What we feel determines what we can accept, forgive, or reject. And if our feelings are validated, the path to resolving the conflict immediately opens up before us.

To resolve a conflict with another human being, we must stand on the solid foundation of objective reality, discuss and analyze our thoughts, and finally express our feelings in a safe space where everyone can speak their mind and show understanding for the other person’s heart.